Inhale. Exhale.

“God, I pray that You would break me and shape me to be a man”

Inhale. Exhale.

That’s a scary prayer. I’ve wrote about this before, and I keep coming back for more. Brokenness. This week I have been repeatedly broken, and it has been a good week. This week has been defined as a series of my own inadequacies bringing brought to Light. I have been encouraged this week for trying to be a man. And as this week has gone on, I have been reminded that I am far from complete. I need grace just as much as anyone. I need patience. I need to repent. And I need to trust God as Author.

For about 20 minutes, I cried.

I cried as I prayed that God would take my life, take whatever I’ve been holding on to, and use my life to bring about His glory.

That was a few weeks ago.

Recently, I went for a walk one night and as I was walking down by the river in the chilly nighttime air…I lost it. I had went down there to be quiet. To be quiet before God, and ask Him to speak to me and I would say nothing. That exchange never really took place as the filter on my brain became unhinged and all of a sudden I’m weeping, yelling at God all the while begging Him for direction. I’m glad it was late because I would have been a curious sight to an onlooker.

I keep asking God to break me. If anyone doubts God’s faithfulness, ask Him to break you. And then sit back and watch. I will guarantee it. It ALWAYS happens, and the seemingly ironic thing is that it happens at the most inopportune times. Weird huh?

When I ask God to break me, the most obvious thing also happens; I learn. I get to learn about my fears, my insecurities, my doubts, my sins, my pride, my independence and more because I watch all these things that have clouded my vision, distracted me, and see where I need help. I know I’m making this up to be a big thing, but it really is quite important to my faith.

This blog has been updated, rewritten, and revised quite a few times since I originally started writing it in September 2010. I have been broken many, many time since then and have spent more than one night alone in the middle of nowhere sitting on the dirt, crying. Yes, there is pain to my faith. There are sometimes where it really hurts. God has always been faithful though. My Father isn’t malevolent in allowing these times. He isn’t an abusive father. I hijacked something that was meant for good and turned it into something I worshiped. This is why the Lord is called the Good Shepherd. If a shepherd sees a sheep separated from the flock, he knows that it could be picked off by the wolves. To prevent that sheep from straying too far, the shepherd will break one of the sheep’s legs. Painful, yes. The shepherd will then carry the sheep back to the rest of the flock and nurse the sheep back to health.

This is sanctification.