“God, I pray that You would break me and shape me to be a man”

Inhale. Exhale.

That’s a scary prayer. I’ve wrote about this before, and I keep coming back for more. Brokenness. This week I have been repeatedly broken, and it has been a good week. This week has been defined as a series of my own inadequacies bringing brought to Light. I have been encouraged this week for trying to be a man. And as this week has gone on, I have been reminded that I am far from complete. I need grace just as much as anyone. I need patience. I need to repent. And I need to trust God as Author.

For about 20 minutes, I cried.

I cried as I prayed that God would take my life, take whatever I’ve been holding on to, and use my life to bring about His glory.

That was a few weeks ago.

Recently, I went for a walk one night and as I was walking down by the river in the chilly nighttime air…I lost it. I had went down there to be quiet. To be quiet before God, and ask Him to speak to me and I would say nothing. That exchange never really took place as the filter on my brain became unhinged and all of a sudden I’m weeping, yelling at God all the while begging Him for direction. I’m glad it was late because I would have been a curious sight to an onlooker.

I keep asking God to break me. If anyone doubts God’s faithfulness, ask Him to break you. And then sit back and watch. I will guarantee it. It ALWAYS happens, and the seemingly ironic thing is that it happens at the most inopportune times. Weird huh?

When I ask God to break me, the most obvious thing also happens; I learn. I get to learn about my fears, my insecurities, my doubts, my sins, my pride, my independence and more because I watch all these things that have clouded my vision, distracted me, and see where I need help. I know I’m making this up to be a big thing, but it really is quite important to my faith.

This blog has been updated, rewritten, and revised quite a few times since I originally started writing it in September 2010. I have been broken many, many time since then and have spent more than one night alone in the middle of nowhere sitting on the dirt, crying. Yes, there is pain to my faith. There are sometimes where it really hurts. God has always been faithful though. My Father isn’t malevolent in allowing these times. He isn’t an abusive father. I hijacked something that was meant for good and turned it into something I worshiped. This is why the Lord is called the Good Shepherd. If a shepherd sees a sheep separated from the flock, he knows that it could be picked off by the wolves. To prevent that sheep from straying too far, the shepherd will break one of the sheep’s legs. Painful, yes. The shepherd will then carry the sheep back to the rest of the flock and nurse the sheep back to health.

This is sanctification.

My journey began on a Sunday after church as I departed Gunnison for Breckenridge where Josh lives, and upon meeting him we left to drive 8 hours to Jackson Hole, WY. I have lived in the beautiful state of Colorado for my entire life (save for a 3 month stint in Alaska), and I have never seen many of the northern areas of the state. This was my first time driving over Rabbit Ears Pass and into Steamboat Springs, which of course now I want to spend a few days in that area and photograph. Stopping for a quick bit of artery killing food in Craig, we leave Colorado and journey northward. I have traveled many many miles with Josh and I’m always surprised that we actually get along quite fine when in a car together for many hours at a time. I’ll admit, I’m not the easiest to get along with so it’s really more of a compliment toward him and his gracious spirit.

A few sketchy gas stations, beef jerky, and some Brian Regan later we arrive in Jackson Hole at 1am. It’s a gorgeous night sky and we are quickly out on the flats of Grand Teton National Park in a parking lot (that will become our nights accommodations) taking long exposures of Grand Teton bathing in the full moon’s light. I remember being awed at the Tetons, this was the first time I had ever seen them in person and they are some majestic mountains!

Settling back into the Taurasauras (Josh’s Ford Taurus), we sleep for a few hours until just before sunrise we speed over to Oxbow Bend on the Snake River for some sunrise shots. Now, Oxbow Bend is a very photographed area of the park because the still morning waters of the Snake provide an epic reflections of the Tetons, specifically Mt. Moran. Though the clear sky isn’t as “dramatic” as I would prefer, the crystal clear reflection on the brisk morning is again, awe inspiring. We then head toward Mormon Row which is home to perhaps the most photographed barns in the world. The John Moulton Barns are an amazing scene with the dilapidated and worn barns in front of a glacier covered Grand Teton. There are MANY photographers here, and getting “prime real estate” is somewhat tough. Knowing that we probably weren’t going to get anything super original, we had no problem getting the classic (if a little cliche) photos. After getting into a staring contest with a buffalo, we decide that it’s time for some breakfast. That has already been the most productive morning of photography that I’ve ever had, and it’s not even 8am.

After some breakfast in Jackson, we head back out and hike walk to Leigh Lake back in the park. Again we are greeted by clear reflections of Mt. Moran and surrounding mountains. In fact, we would have stayed longer but the mutant sized mosquitoes were having a field day on our exposed skin. We then ventured to Jenny Lake and wade into the water to cool off and get more photos, seriously the productiveness of this day is kinda ridiculous. We were definitely blessed. Have some lunch and it’s on the road for Bozeman, MT where Josh knows a family that is going put us up for the night before we journey to Glacier National Park.

Ok, so I’m going to say this and get it over with. We went through Yellowstone National Park and while it had some beautiful sights for sure…I fail to see the reason why it is so visited. Seeing a grizzly bear was pretty cool, and so was NOT being burned by boiling hot mud (I had to throw that in there, you know who you are ) But honestly, I had more fun psyching out the other tourists by point out of the car at nothing and basically causing a traffic jam while people looked for whatever I was pointing at. I don’t know, but we didn’t stay very long in Yellowstone. I’ll probably go back some day and find it really cool, but it’s not on my list of places to photograph right now.

Onward through Yellowstone and through southern Montana on our way to Bozeman we went, and I found Montana to be a very gorgeous state. I had heard from my friend Jamie that Bozeman reminded her of a larger version of Gunnison, and I would have to agree, it’s nestled in a valley (albeit much larger than the Upper Gunnison valley) with large mountains surrounding it. The Galatin Valley and Bridger mountains are beautiful! We stayed with an amazing family, who treated us incredibly well. They were having a friend of the family’s over for dinner who had just got done climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, and let me tell you, this family knows how to do a barbeque! After dinner, one of our gracious hosts took us for a bike ride around the area recalling stories and adventures of yesteryear in the fading light of the beautiful sunset. A few games of pool, and a shower later we went to sleep capping one of best days in recent memory.

Part 2 will be posted soon, telling about our Glacier National Park experience. For now, here are some photos of the gorgeous landscapes in Grand Teton National Park. For more photos, visit my website Ryan Wright Photography or my Flickr account.

This first session taught me some pretty valuable lessons, but the most valuable would be not to underestimate the ability of fiendishly creative people to run with an idea. One of my best friends, Laine Dobson, is an accomplished watercolor painter and was tremendously helpful when planning this shoot. Our idea was to haul a loveseat that belonged to a coffeeshop that I frequent (and he managed at the time) up to Taylor Reservoir about 45 minutes away from Gunnison. Taylor Reservoir is flanked by gorgeous mountains, and is just a remarkable place to visit. The only problem was that it was November and Taylor Res. sits at over 10,000ft in elevation. Though it certainly was not warm that day, it was a pretty nice day in the Colorado mountains. And I’ve got to hand it to Laine and Tamara for being exceedingly patient and brave the elements to make these photos possible.

These photos were some of the first portraits I photographed and to this day remain some of my favorites. Please visit Laine Dobson’s website to view his incredible watercolor paintings.

__________________________

hey kid what are you lookin’ at
how’d you get so evil so fast
where’s your mom, where’s your dad
what did they teach you
did they touch you
i can’t believe this happened to you
i promise it’s not supposed to be this way
but you have no right to repeat the same
she’s not yours this ain’t a game

step back watch where your hands go
it might do you good to cut ‘em off
better that than to rip her off
you’re a thief an abomination
lucky for you i’m no assassin
i love her, you distorted her view
God help me not to distort you

so let’s just say that your blessed
blessed that i never met you

hey you son of a preacher man
i got some words for you
repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is near
you stole somethin’ that you can’t give back
from the one i love
and now she’s forced to pray daily
to fight against your flashbacks

so let’s just say you’re blessed
blessed that i never met you

hey you, you better take your eyes off of her
your eyes are evil so look away
i’m warnin’ you there’ll be
hell to pay hell to pay

little girl dont you cry
this boy can’t steal whats inside
let my Father hold you up
heal the thoughts that make you throw up
i know this life has been hard on you
but the next will never end
only thing i know to do
is to ask my Father to heal you

no soap will ever scrub away
the memories the memories

hey you, you better take your eyes off of her
your eyes are evil so look away
i’m warnin you there’ll be
hell to pay hell to pay

i’m sorry sorry
little girl don’t you cry
your beautiful beatuful beautiful
i love you, i love you
Father heal us
won’t You hear us
show us Your mercy forever
i love You, I love You

I’m a broken, sinful man who needs the grace of Jesus more than the air in my lungs.

This verse is a constant reminder to me, and its practices and implications in my life are far reaching. I’m going to attempt to break it down into a few main parts, and if I make any sort of coherent point then it’s this; “do not lean on your own understanding”.

If you know me, you most likely know that I love telling stories. The previous entry to this blog is a story that hasn’t happened and most likely won’t happen, but rather a collection of memories that I pieced together to form a story. Which is really what stories are, a collection of memories. If you do not find storytelling to hold your attention, just go ahead and stop reading as I’ll be wasting your time. This blog is a story of what I’ve learned by attempting to lean on my own understanding, and what a pitfall that really is.

I like to think I’m bright, that I comprehend things well. That I stay informed of current events and topics relevant to my interests and the interests of my friends. God has blessed me this way, and I’m thankful. But like everything else, when exploited this blessing turns into a curse.

Not long ago, while pursuing a woman with whom I have been quite enamored by, I made the assumption that our relationship wasn’t headed in any other direction that a friendship. I wanted more. My dissatisfaction with our relationship at that time, while I knew it needed to be addressed, bred a resentment to this woman. I labeled it as me “getting over her”. As weeks went by I tried to force myself to act as though I wasn’t interested in her, that she has spurned me and it was completely justifiable what I was doing in response. When we came to the agreement that we need to talk, I assumed I knew how that conversation would go.

Here is the problem with all of this, assumptions were made on my part. There are things that we can assume. I can assume that my roommate will help me pay rent, and if not, he can assume he’ll be living elsewhere. That is not a bad assumption, because there is an agreement there. You pay rent, or live elsewhere.

Here is where my problem lies, I make assumptions. Rather than asking questions that will leave me vulnerable to some degree, my pride will assume that I correctly know something. I think its a mixture of fear and insecurity which prevent me from humbling myself to ask hard questions, and in return that produces a hard heart. What’s more, it’s only after that fact that I realize the assumptions I’ve made turn out to largely be untrue.

I made incorrect assumptions with that wonderful woman, and God was great to allow her and use her to humble me. I was more vulnerable that night than I have been in a long time, her words stung because I only then realized my sin. And though resolution didn’t come the way I thought it would that night, there is still much work to be done.

This is just one example from many of my need for grace, and me humbly asking Jesus to expose my sin and seek to put it to death. I am very much a work in progress, as I know we all are. I’m grateful for my Savior to humble me. Friends, do not lean on your own understanding. Trust the Lord with all your heart. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Not easy, but straight.

This trip, many months in the making, is a welcomed break from the daily stresses and battles of the passengers. And the timing couldn’t be better, with both occupants parting ways in just a few short days there is a sense of purpose with this trip. As they crest the top of the 11,600ft pass, the driver points out a spot along the side of the road in a ditch where several years prior there had been a freak snowstorm where the silver pickup truck had plunged into the ditch and several tense hours was spent digging the truck out of the snow and conversing with a snowplow driver. The driver shifts in the seat to admire the view of the 13,000+ mountain dominating the landscape in the distance. The passenger begins to tell of a recent trip, where the last month was spent criss-crossing countries across Europe much to the drivers’ interest.

Soon the driver motions to a side road off of the lonely state highway that leads to a majestic waterfall that is labeled “a must see”. The next hour is spent hiking around, climbing over rocks and boulders, reaching a platform of grass just feet away from the powerful 100ft. waterfall. The sound is deafening, and the spray of the waterfall drenches the immediate rocks and grass. Short minutes are spend gazing at the mighty power just out of reach, before the two decide to dry off in the afternoon sun as it plays peek-a-boo with the clouds above. The hike back to the pickup truck is a slower pace, the uphill journey is littered with sizable boulders that must be negotiated with care. The final push is made by climbing up an 8ft. “cliff” to the shelf overlooking the waterfall. A gorgeous day, with only a slight breeze and the roar of the waterfall the audible sounds. Back toward the truck the two walk, their clothes nearly dry from the bright sun.

After a quick side trip down a dusty, windy road the two meet back up with the nearly deserted state highway. A few minutes later, another detour is made down to a road called Fern Creek Road. The driver has mentioned this special place many times to the passenger, and has shared stories about childhood memories spent chasing family behind the two story cabin. This place is somewhat more somber now, family members of yesteryear gone but never forgotten. A tour of the property is made, along with a quick refreshment and card game and it is back to the highway for another 20 miles to the isolated mountain town that is the destination for the night.

Pulling into the small but busy mountain town, the two make their way to a restaurant that has been picked out by the driver, having dined at the establishment several times before. The conversation continues, never forced or dull, mostly being dominated about future plans and preparations. The passenger tells of long sought after dreams that are becoming reality, many changes will take place over the next week or two. The driver smiles, these plans of the passenger are both great and sad. The conversation shifts to the driver sharing about what’s next, and eagerly anticipating the change of scenery that is approaching fast. Drinks and food soon are consumed, and the two find themselves walking down the main street of the town, browsing a few small shops along the way toward the theater. This has been something that the driver has planned for many months, tickets purchased quite some time ago in hopes that this day would happen. The two take their seats and the show begins, the farcical comedy bringing many laughs to the two theatergoers. The driver looks at the passenger, thankful for these memories that have been created. The show ends and the two make their way back to the pickup, the night sky lit with the moon and stars, no lights to obscure them out here. The trip back will be spent conversing, laughing, and enjoying one anothers’ company. The passenger fighting to stay awake to keep the driver alert, but eventually succumbing to sleep. The driver glances at the passenger, then back to the lonely road before them. Breathing a sigh of contentment, saying…

“Today was a good day.”

“How far am I willing to go to show love?”

In the last week, I’ve seriously debated driving to Colorado Springs in the middle of the night to show up at a coffeeshop at 5am with flowers for a girl. I discussed this with a friend who said “you’re crazy”. That would seem to show that I’d go pretty far. I was up at Monarch Pass one night taking photos of the stars, and I was going through the whole “well I’ve already driven THIS far, what is a couple more hours?” conversation. I wanted to drive that far too, it wasn’t out of obligation or necessity. And if I drove all that way and gave the flowers to her, it wasn’t like I could spend the day with her either. She would be at work, and then off to a bridal shower, and then finally training/rehearsal for a play that she is in. So yeah, maybe a little crazy.

That is the most recent example of something where I thought I would be willing to go far.

A sermon I was listening to on the way up to Monarch reminded me of a great point. Ready for this? Here it is..

Jesus went to the cross. He endured a false arrest, false trial, false witnesses, savage beatings, mockery, insults, and an execution that was (to put it lightly) brutal.

Jesus went to the cross, that’s how far He is willing to go for me. For you.

Just a quick post, reminding me (and hopefully you) that even on my best effort, the length that I’ll go out of love doesn’t compare to Christ. The end of Romans 8 tells us that “nothing in all creation can separate us from the love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord”. Take a hold of that. He loves you! A famous theologian on his deathbed was asked what the greatest truth he’d learned was (considering the guy had authored commentaries, books..etc) he said “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

(the lyrics in the description of the video are incorrect)

She walk like she got headphones rocking Aretha
lady of light the type that you’d like to speak to
out of reach sorta, speech like a drink of water
far from elite though its hard to meet a Kings daughter
not really into order but her expectations
call for a man to be strong plus patient
see, you can admire the flower
but understand you dealing with a woman and a higher power
and my Father in Heaven must have gave her the earth
cus the money don’t impress her
yo, she knows what she’s worth
and she knows rebirth she can feel it
she went through to much hurt to conceal it
its not what she say, its the way she reveals it
and now the world wanna steal it
that Spirit in which her bodies a home too
sorry world, she’s outgrown you

hook:
out of the cage to the wild blue
the sky is to great
she got to escape and fly through
with a smile to kinda remind you
you got to look ahead and not behind you
she said starring at the sun wont blind you
its just a lie used by the world to come bind you
but i know a place they wont find you
and if you believe you can fly like i do

2nd verse
Absolutely beautiful the type to make you feel unsuitable
she’s uncommon ain’t nothing bout her usual
if you’d a known her before the transition
you’d be amazed by the change, man listen
she use to go from this one to that one
to feel complete she looked for men to make it happen
until she started asking, if all things in this world shall pass
then show me something that’s everlasting
and that’s when she met true love not the word but the action
taking her back to way back when
she was Eve, in the Garden of Eden
before the apple was eaten
before she use to be the queen of clubs, now it seems she’s a wild card
born again child of God
with a style a little odd for any normal man to marry
but she fits in just fine with the revolutionaries

Jesus in John chapter 6 is talking about being the bread of life and everyone is freaking out, and many of his disciples are turning to leave him. Jesus calls out the Twelve saying “Do you want to go away as well?”. That is seemingly an easy answer right? I mean, it’s Jesus. Simon Peter answers very well, and it’s not exactly what you expect.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go…”

To whom shall we go?

I’ve given this a lot of thought lately, not this specific verse but asking myself where should I go, what should I do..etc. It’s been kinda rough because coupled with the fact that many of my friends have either already moved away, or are in the process of moving from Gunnison…I suppose that question is inevitable. I was talking with our worship pastor Ryan yesterday about how I’m struggling right now with the fact that many friends are leaving, and I’m having a hard time being thankful that they are being sent out to do really cool things. I mean, three are going to plant a church in Boulder. Another is going to seminary in Denver. Yet another is going to a graduate level school of ministry in Seattle.

And yet, because of my selfishness I don’t want my social club broken up. Which is so strange because in the history of the church that I work at, a few years ago the status quo (or the social club) was broken up which resulted in the make up of our church changing completely and people meeting Jesus, getting baptized, and new leaders being called.

The way Simon Peter asks Jesus “to whom shall we go?” tells me that it wasn’t like they had a lot of options. Most were not very old (late teens/early 20s) and a few were fisherman. Not exactly like they had opportunities lined up to go if this “Jesus thing” didn’t work out.

I’m out of options as well. I have no where else to go. I don’t have opportunities elsewhere. I briefly entertained an idea to move to Montana after a recent road trip. And like all good decisions, that was more perpetuated by a beautiful girl than any calling/opportunity.  So all this to say that I need to be thankful for my friends that are being sent off, no…rejoice! I need to be “all in” for this community. If God calls me elsewhere, I pray that I would be obedient and answer that call but that hasn’t happened to any extent other than this.

“There’s still much work to be done in Gunnison”

It’s been quite a while but no worries, I won’t do much of a recap. If you don’t want to read about what I’ve been up to, skip the next paragraph.

I’ve been working two jobs for a little over a month now, and it’s been kicking my butt. It’s hard to manage my life when I’m working at CBMR Tuesday through Friday from basically 7am until 6pm, then trying to have motivation to get things done at the church, and still trying to have a glimmer of a social life on top of that. Working at the mountain has been kicking my butt, it’s not a very physically tasking job but I come home just drop dead tired. I feel pretty disconnected from the church right now too, I don’t get to attend the weekly staff meetings (a highlight of my week) and it’s hard to dial in what is expected from me when I can’t be there in person. I have set up meetings on Mondays with Matt Patrick, our administrative pastor, to organize my work at the church for the week and what is going to be going on the following Sunday(s). These meetings are definitely helpful, still I miss being around for staff meetings. Luckily my social life has been somewhat dull with a majority of my friends out of town with Christmas vacation, so when I come home from work I usually don’t have any plans which work in my favor right now because it’s taking all my energy to work.  Christmas was good, although I had to work on Christmas day, I got to spend time with my family and do a couple of photoshoots with good friends! Although it was a short break, it was refreshing to spend time with my family and some friends I haven’t seen in years reminiscing about past trips, toils, troubles, and triumphs. Also, I had the pleasure of seeing the movie Avatar a few times and the movies’ themes are somewhat a source of inspiration for this blog. More on that later…

After seeing Avatar, I was struck with a sense of adventure and wanting an adventure. And as ridiculous as this sounds, I was somewhat bummed about the distinct lack of adventure in my life. At the mountain, I literally watch life go by one chair at a time. And to continue on the ridiculous aspect to this feeling, I’m fully aware that Avatar (or almost any other movie) is a work of fiction and what is depicted on the screen is often times a very stretched version of “reality”. Comparing our lives to those in movies is a ludicrous and futile thought. Just to clear that up.  However, that doesn’t change or ease that yearning for adventure that I felt. I started to examine my life about where maybe the “adventure” was lacking or if I had become complacent. What I found is that I often times do not recognize the adventure beforehand. The last real event that I felt where I can tangibly say I was on an adventure was when I traveled out to northern California throughout Oregon and back to Gunnison with three photographer (and really good) friends in April of 2009. Without knowing too much about where we were staying, where we were going..etc, we hit the road and spent a week taking in the sights, sounds, and each other while we tried to play frisbee on the Bonneville Salt Flats, hiked to a waterfall in Redwood National Park, and photographing the beautiful sunset at Cannon Beach, OR…it was quite a week.

But that isn’t what adventure I’m seeking. Adventure for the sake of adventure isn’t something that I’m seeking. I want to have an adventure rooted in my faith. That God the Holy Spirit would lead me only, living the phrase “let go, and let God” (as cliched as that sounds). Sure that most likely will not look anything like what was depicted in Avatar (though I imagine that in Heaven I could ask God for an Ikran (Banshee) to fly around on). But this adventure will matter, it won’t be some futile attempt to live a thrilling life that I could write a book titled “Why My Life is Better Than Yours”.

So yes, I was inspired by Avatar to live a life open to adventure. But not the adventure that Hollywood depicts, the adventure of living by the Holy Spirit, for the mission of Jesus Christ, under submission and a reverent fear of God. Whatever that looks like, because this world cannot satisfy the thirst for “something more”. Money, sex, food, possessions, power, health, friends, fame, beauty…none of that can be quenched by the world. The reason I’m here (and at the mountain, in my neighborhood, in my relationships…etc) is for the mission of Jesus Christ under the influence of the Holy Spirit. I’m not here by accident, and neither are you. Where you work/play/socialize/live…not an accident. So my prayer from now on is that I won’t resist the Holy Spirit in search of some futile adventure and would allow myself to submit my life (my everything) to work for the mission of Jesus Christ for the redemption of the people…which is much more of an adventure that anything I can dream up.